Relationships that last, love despite…

Love is addictive! Like sweet wine, it intoxicates us.

Love is a firework. Like a firework, it is spectacular, captivating and short-lasting.

In this intoxicating time, everything is perfect. We think about them night and day, we dream with our eyes open, we feel butterflies in our stomach, we smile for no apparent reason, we spend the night with them and the next day we continue our obligations without any difficulty. It is like drawing energy from a storehouse that only unlocks when we are in this emotional state.

But is this situation real?

Of course it is. We feel something and it has an impact on our body. So it’s real. The various emotional states have been connected with specific hormones. This means that for example dopamine is associated with pleasure, oxytocin with love, endorphins (natural opioids) are associated with a sense of well-being and also have a analgetic effect. Being in love, we project to the other person everything we want to see. We interpret movements and behaviors the way we want, often arbitrarily. The consequence of our delusion is that it boosts our excitement and all the hormones that go with it.

On the other hand, all these emotions may be ephemeral. Research has shown that the excitement we feel when we fall in love with a person can last a little over a year. Nowadays, what is observed is that much faster, we begin to lose the interest and the magic, we begin to see the flaws, the shadow of the person. Quite simply, we begin to observe the person in front of us, as they are. We see their disadvantages, habits that we may not like, beliefs that do not match our own, behaviors that bother us.

What do we do then?

Many, probably most of us, decide that this person is not for them, does not meet the conditions they have set for the “partner position”. They say goodbye and start looking for the next one, if they do not already have them in mind. Monkey-humans are a phenomenon of our time and here we are talking about those who find the next mate or lover before they end their relationship, just as monkeys grab the branch of the tree they want to jump on before leaving the branch of the previous one.

The fear of loneliness is growing, as with the internet, social media and smartphones, we are all exposed to the world at all times. Another phenomenon of the day is the addiction to falling in love. It is different from sex addiction. Here, people are looking for passion, they are looking for the overstimulation, the magic that they feel when in love.

Few start a relationship knowing themselves. Knowing their bright and dark side. If one does not love oneself, how can they accept, how can they love and allow themselves to be loved by someone else? For a relationship to be successful, this wonderful energy of first excitement needs to be transformed into love.

That is when one starts to choose to be with someone, every day, not because, but despite. As Patrick Rothfuss has said much better than me:

“Anyone can love a thing because. That’s as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.”